Posted on by anna lee

Relationships That Were Never Wanted

There is a particular cycle each year- I tell myself that the past year was the worst year of my life. But then I think to myself “Wait, wasn’t every year the worst year of my life?” This is because each year WAS the worst year of my life up until that point. As far as I can remember, every single year of my life was awful in it’s own way. I can only ever remember the most previous year because that is the pain I am still overcoming. I want to look at a year and tell myself that it has been a good and healthy year but I have not yet gotten to that point.

In a previous blog, I shared that I had tried to end my life when I was seventeen (2018). This is the same time that I had finally began to accept the detrimental aftermath of neglect I experienced as a child. I’m not going to sit here and say I’ve completely worked through all of that shame and hurt but I can recognize that my parents were my biggest bullies.

Furthermore, both of my parents blamed me for each hardship in our home. They blamed me for defending myself. They blamed me for being myself. I was punished for being myself. My own father ignored me for days because of the abuse my mother put on us and his refusal to accept it. My father made me feel validated over the idea that I was worthless, just as my mother did. All I had ever wanted was to be able to go to my parents and hug them without feeling uncomfortable. I wanted to go to them for comfort and love.

In the following year of turning 18, I had become extremely uncomfortable in my own body and personality. In April of 2019, I began to learn that it is possible to love yourself. I was so unfamiliar with this idea that I experienced emotional flashbacks that were -and still are- utterly unbearable. I felt as though I would never get through them. Before these realizations, I was a huge fan of taking photos of myself and modeling per say, but at one point that changed and the idea of putting myself in front of a camera was terrifying.

This post is not meant to bash or accuse. This is from a victims perspective. This is neglect and based off of emotional/domestic/physical/sexual abuse. I never had parents. I have parented myself and it is a better job than my biological parents could’ve ever done. I have no extended family that believes me but that’s okay. I have myself and I have those that do believe me. I never deserved to be neglected or abused.

This realization is a result of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Posted on by anna lee

Neglect

As I continue to come to different realizations, they become more in-depth and detailed. I’m in the process of forcing myself to remember certain scenarios, along with how those scenarios made me feel. It’s brought up a lot of difficult emotions and becomes exhausting. Even though I’m fully aware that these realizations are a part of the healing process, it’s still one of the most challenging things I’ve had to work through. In regards to the recent flashbacks and realizations: they have all been centered around the idea of ‘neglect.’

Furthermore, as I’m getting older and continuing to mature, I’ve seen my childhood in a completely different light. In this perspective, I have come to realize how little my parents paid attention to me as a child and even more so now. I was taught for as long as I can remember that my feelings were invalid and I believed this to the point that I even began telling myself that my feelings were not real. Even as I work through difficult emotions with my therapist, they’ve had to stop me to tell me that I need to validate my own feelings because I’m still subconsciously invalidating them.

I remember growing up with health issues that were inhibiting me from reaching my fullest potential and I expressed this to my parents from a young age, but as I got older I learned not to say anything at all. Reason being, the invalidation from my parents, of what I was feeling. This goes along with physical health, as well as mental health. With that being said, my ability to notice these things from a young age has helped me mature and grow from the situation. However, it is still one of the most painful aspects about my childhood that I can recall so far.

Seeing as I’m still living in my house, it seems almost suffocating. I feel a significant difference in my house than I do in anyone else’s. It feels as though there is a weight on my chest and I’m unable to speak freely. Its difficult to be around family members constantly while also working through flashbacks of things that occured in this house. Although, I have made a lot of progress, I find it most challenging that I am treated the same way I’ve always been and I have absolutely no control over it. This concept of not being cared for in the way that a child needs is known as, neglect.