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The Perks of Being A Wallflower

By Stephen Chbosky

Summary:

This story is about the exploration of one’s self through trauma and mental pain. The main character has obviously been traumatized by past events that have built his personality into an anxious idea of coping mechanisms. He strives to keep himself at society’s standard of “normal,” but gets fumbled around when the time of Christmas and his birthday come around. He is distinctly different than most people his age but that does not discourage certain individuals when deciding whether to be his friend or not. Through his relationships, he learns to accept life as what it is and simply live in the moment.

My Opinion:

I enjoyed the concept the narrator chose in writing the novel as if each chapter is a journal entry from the main character. It was a bit confusing at times but it gave the story a more emotional and sentimental perspective. Though the other characters were not fully aware of the narrator’s feelings at all times, the audience had a slight glimpse of how he felt in several situations. The readers are experiencing the tone behind each motive and considering the personality of the main character, making the story much more in-depth.

This story is a great example of the growth in relationships and how they may nurture one’s own being. It also shows forgiveness and love as unconditional support in friendship, which is the true portrayal of an everlasting connection with another individual. Despite all of our differences, we can learn to love and forgive regardless.

Rating:

8/10

Posted on by anna lee

My Relationship with My Mom

As I continue to publicly share my experience as a child, in each post I focus on a certain aspect that has impacted the shaping of who I am today. With that being said, my mother is the main source in which I had a low self-esteem, crippling anxiety/depression, anger issues, and many more mental obstacles which I will discuss more in-depth.

From the age of about five to ten, I was placed in a private school or I was homeschooled by my mother. During this process, I became isolated from socializing and public events that did not please my mothers particular “phase,” at that point in time. Therefore, when I was finally placed in public school in sixth grade, my life became a series of events consisting in the defense of my own emotions and independence.

Furthermore, as I began becoming more socially involved with a diverse friend group, I began comparing my own home life to others. For example, when going to a friends house and noticing that their parents are holding hands or spending time with their kids, THAT was weird. I had never experienced a peaceful family event, in which, everyone included felt comfortable and loved. Family events in my home were chaotic, forced, and uncomfortable. Reason being, there was always an argument between a sibling and a parent or two siblings.

After I began making connections between my own family and my friends, I began standing up for myself as well as my siblings. Now, in a healthy family setting, being outspoken would be encouraged and praised. However, in my home, my mother used this trait against me. It was at this time in my life, that everything I did became a test of my mothers ability to belittle me. I specifically remember a time period in sixth grade, in which, I began self-harming. My mother found out about this and immediately punished me without further question. She was angry with me for hurting myself, and there was absolutely NO compassion or thought as to why her own daughter was doing this.

After this specific event in my life, my mother’s actions became more blatantly obvious in the sense that she chose to tear me down, rather than build me up. She used all of my valid emotions as a tactic to use in her own self-pity, rather than giving console towards me. It became a constant battle between her and I, as she constantly asked me questions like “Why are you like this?”or “Why can’t you just be happy? Why are you so cruel?” Because of this, I literally thought there was something wrong with me. I finally decided to tell her why I was upset, stating that she never showed me console when I was in a time of need. I was struggling and she reciprocated my own mental battles as a means to use against me, only to satisfy her narcissistic character. After calling her out, she proceeded to tell me I was wrong and that she did try to help me, even though she never put in the extra effort.

The conflicts between my mother and I from there on out, were absolutely brutal. Whether I was defending myself or defending my siblings, she would tear me apart and consistently blame me for my siblings actions. It was at this time, my siblings even became harsh towards me but even their harsh words were rationalized as my fault. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me or why I couldn’t seem to do anything right. Each day was like tip toeing around a minefield. I never knew how my mother would act or if she would decide to create a battle with me. She made me feel as though my feelings were invalid. She made me feel helpless and worthless.

My reason for staying so confident in my defense, were my siblings. My siblings are my best friends and they each had their own mental struggles that I could not bear to just stay silent about. My parents rarely felt the need to take action in a medical urgency unless we begged them. This caused a chaos in my house that is utterly unmatched. My home was a place I dreaded because I felt as though I was not welcome.

There were several points in my relationship with my mother, in which, I thought it was possible that she could see past her self-absorbed thoughts. I have never been so wrong. The more I felt pity for her, the stronger of a hold she had on me, in the sense that she could cause me to mentally breakdown at any given moment. She forced herself to believe that I was capable of no right and used my qualities as a means to emotionally abuse me. She would continuously scream at me while I would be hyperventilating and having a panic attack. I would ask her to stop and to give me space but she was absolutely relentless. She broke me down day after day, showing me that I was only a pawn in her game.

It wasn’t until this past year that I truly began to realize how abusive she was and how I did not need her in my life. I began standing out even more and I recieved hateful, unwanted words from my mother. My parents were treating me as though I didn’t have emotions and I was only a tool for them to help parent their own kids. I took a bulk of responsibility in taking care of my siblings, and during the process I was manipulated and hurt beyond measure by my own parents.

I have never shared this publicly before but it is apart of my own healing that I do. My parents caused me to hate my own being alive, I did try to commit suicide because of them. They put me in such a mentally, dark place that I truly believed I would not be able to make it through another year living with either of them. Luckily, since then I have become incredibly self-motivated and have grown relationships far more nurturing than the ones of my parents. I began to show myself compassion and realize that my feelings are valid and that I do not need my parents as a source of console. I only need myself. Though it is still painful at times and I am not exempt from the cruel words of my parents yet, I have faith in my own being and future. I am incredibly proud of the person I am now and if I hadn’t made as many changes to my life as I have, I probably would not be alive right now.

All in all, it is painful to understand that my parents treat me as an individual here specifically to benefit them, and not as a daughter whom they love unconditionally, I do love myself. I have surrounded myself with positive changes and positive relationships to the point that I have grown a stronger self-esteem and I have processed the idea that I do not need anyone. I only need myself. I thank my parents for birthing me, but the past several years of my life have come to show me how discouraging they are and I do not need that kind of energy in my life.

I am strong.

Posted on by anna lee · 1 Comment

Nineteen Eighty-Four

By George Orwell

Summary:

This story is based on a dystopian word, with a society organized into a culture that is constantly controlled and watched. The residents of this society, are used to doing the same exact thing everyday while being watched by ‘Big Brother.’ The main character becomes in contact with a fellow resident in the most inconvenient of ways, seeing that they could be given harsh consequences for their relationship towards each other. To escape the control, they try hiding this relationship. However, the places they find so safe, may not be un-monitored as they had believed.

My Opinion:

I really enjoyed this book because it was incredibly suspenseful. Though our modern day society is not as obviously controlled/monitored, I cans till find resemblance between both separate societies. Our society is based around order and perfection. People wake up each day and go to school/work for the rest of their lives because this is the “only” way to function in society, without being belittled by other citizens. Seeing that our society is focused on being accepted, this idea is incredibly crucial in comparison of the story’s society and modern day society.

The resemblance of both societies allows the audience to understand the similarities of our modern day society and this dystopian culture. Our society is built around order which is essentially the main idea of this story. Along with the idea that the government does not want original thought. This is an interesting idea that I believe has been sprouted from the influence of modern day culture. Although, the government is not trying to control original thought, society has created a judgemental environment through social media and social gatherings. This making original thought belittled and discouraged, seeing that people have put their center of focus on the perspective that other people have created towards you.

Rating:

8/10

Posted on by anna lee · 1 Comment

Healthy Eating Habits

Throughout the past several years, it has become blatantly obvious to myself that I needed to change my eating habits, as my current habits were resulting in digestive problems. It wasn’t until my junior year of high school, that I began to understand how lactose and gluten were affecting my health. Each day, I would go to school with stomach aches from eating literally anything and initially, I thought this was due to my anxiety. As I continuously tried different foods and eating habits in a public environment, I would altogether stop eating in front of people because I knew it would end up in having a stomach ache. After my older sister, Nina, found herself allergic to gluten and dairy, I found the symptoms matched exactly with how I was feeling. This is when I began an entirely new journey, as far as my eating habits.

As I began cutting out gluten and dairy from my diet, I immediately saw results that were positively benefiting my health. I began to realize how important it was to eat properly, according to my body’s functioning. At this time, I also began working out and incorporating the proper amount of meals in each day. I made it a habit to eat breakfast each morning and this drastically changed my energy level throughout the day, making me more alert and enthusiastic towards any task. I also began to love my body, as my body image had been distorted throughout my negative digestion. I made it a priority to drink the right amount of liquids each day, as well as eating balanced meals that benefited my digestive system.

Furthermore, it can be incredibly difficult to keep a balanced diet, especially with a hectic schedule and trust me, I know this from experience. However, the more I began to motivate my mind in eating healthier, it not only benefited my physical health but also my state of being. Along with other healthy habits outside of eating, I became more optimistic and enthusiastic towards my outlook on life. Reason being, I slowly began incorporating positive changes to my health and though it took a while, it has come to prove how beneficial small changes can make and how it leads to a self-motivated attitude.

Changing one’s diet from a seemingly negative one to a positive one, does require a lot of self -discipline and does become tiresome. It is incredibly important to understand that many people strive to better themselves but there is a lack of self-confidence in which, brings a less motivated attitude. Self-discipline is a long process that slowly builds from small choices such as, eating a piece of fruit as a snack as opposed to a bag of chips. Humans are not exempt from obstacles and there will likely be setbacks in a journey to a better diet, this is what allows us to grow and push ourselves that extra mile, which in the end, presents positive changes.

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Lolita

By Vladimir Nabokov

Summary:

This story is based around the disturbing abduction of a young girl. The main character- Humbert, moves into a home with a middle-aged, single mother with her twelve year old daughter. Humbert finds a pediophilic attraction towards ‘Lolita,’ and since this novel is written from Humberts perspective, he frequently refers to her as a nymphet whom he is sexually, obsessed with. Seeing this book is written from Humberts perspective, it becomes much more controversial, as it is hard to understand the perspective of other characters while they play a role in his obsession with his Lolita.

My Opinion:

This was easily my favorite book out of all of the ones I have read so far. This novel is a great example of how the audience may not be able to trust the narrator. From Humbert’s standpoint, he easily twists the confrontations between him and Lolita to allow beneficial beliefs on his part. His tone is one that suggests he is not fully responsible for the scenarios that occur between him and Lolita. He pushes his focus towards Lolita’s attitude and creates her character to seem more submissive than what is blatantly controversial to her role as a twelve year old.

The story is written in a sophisticated style, making it more difficult to stay focused on the perspective of the young girl. Once the style of writing is understood more clearly, it becomes apparent to the audience that Humbert is writing in a way that benefits his character. Obviously, a twelve year old girl is not going to be as openly submissive as Humbert tries to persuade the audience to believe.

It is rather obvious that Humbert is aware of his disturbing, pediophilic tendencies but he is obsessively, infatuated with Lolita. This making it even more difficult for him to push his pediophilic tendencies aside. It becomes clear to the audience that Humbert is truly, in love with Lolita. However, the presentation of this disturbing love, makes it apparent that it will not prosper spiritually or physically, as Lolita begins to mature.

Rating:

10/10

Posted on by anna lee

The Foutainhead

By Ayn Rand

Summary:

This book is, essentially, the story of an architect whose work receives attention from society, but not in the way one might typically wish. This architect has such a motivated drive towards his future that the negative reviews of his unique work, do not phase him. Very few understand his motive in building and though he has many negative reviews, he continues to persevere.

The few that do understand his motive in building, are the ones in which he holds closer to his heart. His work ethic that shows determination, may leave him with close to nothing. But even this, could not extinguish his passion towards the uncertainty of life.

My Opinion:

I really enjoyed reading this book because, the author incorporated a complex theme with a modern day storyline. Although, this book is rather long and includes deep understanding of metaphoric outlooks, it is truly a novel worth raving about, based on its theme and complex ideas. The main character, Roark, seems to show no emotion towards certain situations, in which, he may be receiving criticism. Whether this criticism is positive or negative in the eyes of the beholder, Roark simply pushes aside any criticism that goes against his own ethics and outlook on life. This is because, he genuinely does not care about the opinion of others.

Many people try discouraging Roark, as he designs intricate and complex buildings that do not please the eyes of society. Roark simply builds because it is what he loves to do, not because he could potentially make profit from it. Few believe and trust in his endeavors, but those that do are thoroughly, and surprisingly satisfied.

Rating:

7/10

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Meditation

Meditation is a practice that takes time, it is a true test of your patience and self-discipline. I have been meditating, twenty to thirty minutes everyday for the past few months. In this practice, it has been the most influential few months of my life. I have devoted time each day to simply let go of whatever I am holding onto and allow myself to be in the moment. I will admit, I struggled when I initially began practicing meditation, as it was hard to see thoughts as just that, and nothing more.

There are many forms of practicing meditation, in regards to how it is observed and learned. Personally, I began meditating through the app, Calm. I highly recommend this app, as it is a incredibly, thorough start for beginners. When I began using this app, I began going through a couple weeks worth of different series, focusing on different aspects of myself through meditation. Each session, incorporated a different theme than the last, specifically to narrow in on a certain aspect of an individual’s’ life, in which, they may be struggling. However, some sessions were less guided for those who have been practicing self-discipline, either through meditation or other factors in their life.

As I began practicing more regularly, I observed several aspects of myself that had matured or softened. I noticed a positive change in my mood and invited an energetic state of mind to my life. Meditating, has become one of my only sources of relief when I am mentally/physically exhausted, or when I feel emotionally distraught. It has become an outlet for all of my emotions. This is an aspect of my life that had been much needed, as I had consistently struggled with anxiety and expressing myself, specifically towards my parents. The practice of meditation, tested my ability to tune in to the moment I was currently in. Though it was challenging at first, I shortly found aspects of my life that had been extremely, benefited from this practice.

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My Childhood

Anna Lee

While growing up with five other siblings and each their own mental battles, my home was never seen as a peaceful place, at least from the eyes of witnesses. As my siblings and I are incredibly close, this was truly the only motivation in which we all took hold of to ignore the chaos in our own home. We found comfort in each other as each day was a different conflict between my parents or my parents and my siblings. There was never an outlet in our home, in which we could confide our thoughts (other than each other) without being belittled or manipulated

When I was around the age of about three, my family moved from Crofton, Maryland to Jacobus, Pennsylvania. In this house, is where some of the most traumatic events of my life occurred. The negative energy that consumed my family was spread throughout the house and my siblings and I have all agreed about the idea, in which we would feel a sensation, such as a weight on our chest when entering our own home. This negative energy was, for the most part, brought upon by my own mother.

From the time I was in kindergarten to about fifth grade, I was either being homeschooled or I was placed in a private Seventh Day Adventist school because, at the time, my mom was extremely invested towards becoming the ‘model Christian.’ However, this was simply a phase in her parenting methods towards raising her own kids. As I was growing up, the dynamics relating to discipline and guidelines in our home were constantly changing due to the fact that my mother was consistently changing her mindset. Due to the constant changes in my childhood, it became extremely controversial in my own upcoming as I did not know how to socialize ‘normally’ because my mom was so devoted to herself that she neglected to consider her childrens pursuits, self-esteem, and future endeavors.

When I was finally placed in public school in sixth grade, I began to see my mother in a new light. In this, I mean that I began to understand more clearly my mothers intentions but as to why she was doing them, was a question I would neglect to discover until my high school years. It was during the time I was placed in public school that I drifted further from my mother as I was able to see more clearly, from comparing my parents with my friends’ parents, that I was not being treated in the way a child should be. It became glaringly, evident that most of my mothers intentions were strictly for herself and if we were to interfere with this idea or even so much as show self-pity, we were belittled.

I can say, honestly, that my mother was the one to have made me question my own self-worth. This woman, who is supposed to care and love for me regardless, did not know the first step and in a sense, she was moving backwards. She constantly belittled me and blamed myself and my siblings for anything regarding her negative feelings. There was never a thought that maybe, she WAS to blame for this emotional torture. I found myself constantly arguing with myself and consumed in anxiety over the idea that I thought there was something wrong with me. I had so many issues with my self-esteem, my mental space, and my ability to stay civil with my own mother.

My childhood seems more and more devastating as I go back through my memories, and recall many of the times in which I was emotionally abused. My mother would strive to see me fall apart and it is overwhelming, to say that she was a huge factor in my anxiety/panic attacks. Anything, in regards to my personal well being, were simply pushed aside unless I urged my parents to go further with them as I was physically and mentally distraught. These memories from my past are what has built me into the person I am today and as much as I would like to explain this ordeal in a simple page, it will take many entries on this page in order for my audience to get a full perspective on exactly the kind of emotional abuse I was exposed to as a child/teenager.

A huge reason I created this blog, was so that I could share my childhood experience from my full perspective, as I cannot easily explain it through one conversation. My childhood/family background is one of the most interesting topics for me to talk about it because it truly is, insane. I am not looking for any kind of attention as this is simply an outlet for my thoughts and a chance to explain myself without outside influences disrupting me. THIS is how I became who I am.

Posted on by anna lee

An Invisible Thread

By Alex Tresniowski & Laura Schroff

Summary:

This is a truly moving story about a woman living in New York who comes across a young panhandler on the street. There are obviously many panhandler’s throughout New York, but there was something about this particular boy that compelled Laura to put her love and energy into the young soul of a boy trying to make money for his distraught family.

His name is Alex, and though it may seem as if he knows no kindness or manners, there is something insightful and compelling about his troubled mind. He opens his mind and heart to Laura, allowing them to grow a lifelong friendship despite their age difference and comparibly different living circumstances.

My Opinion:

I absolutely loved this book because it was an amazing example of being humble, which goes hand-in-hand with the idea of being kind. Laura could have easily walked away from Alex that day but she opened her heart and shared compassion to no end.

I like to believe the theme of this story is the idea in which the metaphorical length to which kindness can reach and how much it may impact a certain individual, such as a young panhandler on the city streets of New York City. Many people in modern society, have seemingly taken kindness for granted as well as underestimating how much it may emotionally/spiritually benefit someone’s mindset, whether it be just the length of that day or the length of many.

Rating:

10/10

Posted on by anna lee

Exercising

Self-care is extremely important, specifically when you’re internally struggling with something. Throughout most of my middle and high school career, I struggled with the idea of self-care because I was too consumed in the conflicts I was experiencing at home as well as, feeling depressed and anxious frequently. It wasn’t until towards the end of my junior year in high school, that I started realizing how important it is to take care of yourself. It was at that time, I also began realizing my self-worth which is something that I had always struggled with.

Although, the process of self-care and the internal goal of wanting to physically do better as well as mentally, it is an extremely tiring and ongoing process. The first obstacle I reached in trying to better myself, was the commitment to exercise regularly. I had gotten a membership with my sister to a gym which we would strive to go to 3-5 times a week. However, during this process, I found myself lacking motivation some days and would end up staying home then later, become angry with myself. It took a lot of self-motivation to understand I needed to exercise regularly, and eventually I gained a rhythm in which I enjoyed going to the gym as well as going frequently during the week.

As it became an easier process in going to the gym, I also found myself outdoors, taking walks rather often. I fell in love with the idea of being outside and on the days I did not go to the gym, I went on a relatively easy walk/hike. I began to see positive differences in my mood as I exercised on a daily basis. I felt more energized after working out as it boosted my drive to do well throughout the day.

As simple as exercise may seem, it is an extremely important factor in our well-being. It becomes difficult to motivate yourself but it does make a difference to consistently feed yourself positive thoughts and I have also found that it helps to notice the differences that it makes in your life. Exercising is extremely underestimated in our society, yet it is one of the key factors to a healthy mind and body. The benefits are far more worth it than deciding to stay home. It is okay to start out simple. For example, to start, go through a walk throughout your neighborhood and in the following days, make a particular goal for yourself.

It is specifically difficult to ignore comparing ourselves to others, especially when going to a public gym. However, it is also comforting to understand that the other individuals there, are there for the same reasons as you and I- they want to better themselves. If we focus on this aspect of exercising in public, we find ourselves less judgemental towards others.