I have never been one for explicitly creating healthy boundaries, despite knowing I need them. I have learned to understand that this is in correspondence with the lack of respect I use to define myself. However, I never intentionally create a negative persona about myself. It has simply become a coping mechanism, as well as a defense mechanism. It is difficult to explain my thoughts to anybody who isn’t ME, which I can imagine is how most people feel. I can hardly understand my own thoughts. Because of the unrealistic belief that I can change the things that are out of my control, I have struggled to create boundaries for myself. I tend to only think of the boundaries that would potentially benefit another person and/or idea. Truthfully, I hate making boundaries because that means recognizing an aspect of my life that I need to separate from what is truly beneficial for me. My mind is used to this continuous cycle of suppressing the changes that would be best for my well-being. To even consider the change of that cycle, is utterly terrifying. This fear comes from comfortability in the toxicity of my own thoughts. Those toxic thoughts are all I have ever known, and my mind does not know how to respond when given the opportunity to soothe those thoughts. The toxicity of those thoughts often consumes my mind with the fixation that I, nor anyone else, could ever see anything past my own selfishness and guilt.

In addition, I often fantasize about doing more for myself. However, that thought becomes short-lived when I consider the many other things that I could be doing for others. I have an overwhelming number of beliefs that consist of only caring for another person. One of these beliefs being that, caring for another person is more important than caring for yourself. I often project my attachment issues onto the way I communicate with other people, but this is something I am actively looking to soften. I have found it difficult to incorporate boundaries within my life because it often turns into a frustrating battle in my mind on whether I am being selfish or not. One thing that helps with this frustration is the process of following my intuition. I am slowly learning to differentiate between intuitive thoughts and impulsive thoughts. Occasionally the similarities can correspond to one another, but often it is a process of differentiating one from the other to determine which is the most practical to follow.

Furthermore, one of my main focuses in my life right now is to implement boundaries through my intuition in a way that is less enforced by the concept of impulsivity. I have often connected impulsivity with coping mechanisms of any sort. However, impulsivity and the process of coping are two different concepts, as one actively makes an impact on the other if our mind allows it. Our intuition is that space in between those thoughts that gives a sense of clarity as to whether we are doing what is best for our highest selves. For most, including myself, it is often uncomfortable when following intuition doesn’t match the impulsive and intrusive thoughts. This is the process of creating boundaries.